I don’t know how to break this news. I know it is crazy, as crazy as it can be. I had to make one of the toughest decisions in my life last week. In less than a week after reaching the states, and starting my PhD program, I decided to withdraw.

The past two months have been tough. I received the news of my acceptance into the program in second week of December, and so I rushed to finalize everything in order to make it for the spring term, which started on the 10th of January. I didn’t stop to think it over and I kept pushing myself whenever I got cold feet. “You can do it”, I told myself. “You can’t quit now”, I pushed myself. “You will get the PhD you have always wanted”, I assured myself. I sold my car, left the house I was renting, moved my furniture to my friend’s house, canceled my home, phone, and utilities subscriptions, started studying before I even got on the plane, booked a hotel and endured 24 hrs travel without complaining. I did all I could to make it on time, and I succeeded.

I moved mountains to pursue a dream.

But then I realized my mistake when I got there. I went into a spin, trying to make the right decision. It was tough, REALLY tough. I had still a lot on my plate to finalize, finding a place to rent, creating a bank account, getting required books, applying for a social security number, getting a driving license and a car, among other things. It felt hard, but I knew I could make it. What made me stop and reconsider was my realization that the assistantship I was granted would barely cover the cost of renting a house, and that the cost of living there is much more than I anticipated. I had an idea before I decided to go, and was ready to spend more from my savings, but I didn’t expect it to be to that extend. I thought to myself, am I ready to spend the next 4 years of my life studying? If not, am I ready to quit what I just started after everything I did?

I have only applied for this program after I lost my job in September. I thought to myself, “maybe it is time for me to move to academia”, “perhaps it is the right thing to do for my writing career”. I probably wasn’t thinking clearly when I thought about starting over with a new career, at a time I already have one with over 20 years of experience. Instead of waiting 4 years to start looking for a job, I can do that now, and wait for few months till I get one! I do have a passion for writing, but I have also enjoyed doing corporate marketing and communication. I probably don’t talk much about that, and I acknowledge that my reputation as a writer far exceeds my reputation as a marketer. But it is marketing that I have been successfully doing for living, and it is what I intend on continue doing in the near future.

It is like when you want something so bad, only to realize that it is not meant for you. We often ignore such realization, and opt to live with the wrong decisions we made. It takes a great deal of courage to be able to correct oneself and live with the consequences of it.

I often write fictional dramatic stories. Today, I find myself in a weirder place than any fictional storyline I could come up with. But I also intend to get my life back on track. I will be continuing writing, and searching for a job.

Let me know if you know anyone hiring!

One thing I don’t want to miss mentioning here, is how thankful I am for the love and support I have been getting from my family and friends. It is in tough times when we realize how much we are loved. That’s a priceless fortune. I appreciate each and single one of you.