How good can one build a perception about his own self? To know his stand among the group of people he belongs to, his abilities, others perceptions about him, his social level, character, how much he is loved, how intellectual he is, his smartness, …etc

Reading the expressions of the other people we are dealing be is part of creating our own self esteem. Comparison is our main way of forming a perception. We always compare others to ourselves, even subconsiously.

Unfortunatly, not all of us are good in the perception game. There are things in us that others can see better than we do. Sometimes we think that we have a good sense of humar because we have managed to get a laugh or so from someone, but in reality we don’t realize that it was a fake laugh because people are cunning. They can fake their face expressions, showing something totally different than what is really in their heart. One has to be so good in order to read things right.

In other times, someone self esteem would be crashed based on just one other person’s perception of him. It can be an awful feeling, knowing that what you thought yourself to be is not what it really is because someone you respect and trust just told you so. When your confidence with your cabailities of perception isn’t strong enough, you would believe one other person’s wrong perception over yours.

For me, I usually have more confidence in myself than others, but I have been wrong at times which taught me to consult more than a person to form an opinion about myself. I am not always right, and others are not always right either. What matters is to know the truth and make peace with it.

This reminds me when I have heard for the first time about my large nose. This is funny, cause back then I was 20 years old, and has always believed that I have a normal good looking nose. Yes, I used to look in the mirror! But sometimes you don’t see right cause the mirror doesn’t give you all the angles. A side profile give a better indication, which other people see better than me.

My parents have never mentioned anything about my nose! Nothing! Thanks to my best friend, and while we were teasing each other, he laughed at my big nose. For instant, I laughed at him. I thought that he is totally far away from truth this time. But he laughed back, then he swore, then he asked me if I ever look in the mirror, then he asked me to ask other people.

I realized that I have been living with a big nose for years without noticing it. It doesn’t really bother me as it is just a nose. People say it isn’t that bad. I can’t see how bad it is. But it makes me wonder about what other things that I got it wrong about myself?

Maybe it doesn’t matter as long as I feel peace inside. I just hope that I am not far away of the truth, and if I am, then I wonder whether it is better to know that or not.

In our process of rejecting anything that looks different, we end up categorizing different kind of people under the same rejected group without even trying to get a clearer idea about the differences among them, or the reason they end up different than what we percieve to be the norm in our society.

One has to be either man or woman. A man should be masculine. A woman should be feminine. A sexual union should happen between a masculine man with a feminine woman. This is the social norm we are used to see in our daily life. We fail to acknowledge that masculinity and femininity is relative. There is a spectrum of degrees of masculinity as well as femininity where it gets us confused.

There are some sex related terms that we have to be aware of in order differenciate:
1. Gender: Male, Female, both
2. Gender Identity: Man, Woman, Transexual
3. Sexual Orientation: Hetreosexual, Bi-sexual, Homosexual
4. Social Role: Masculine, Feminine, in between

The normal scenario would be to have a Male who identifies himself as a Man, being hetreosexual and masculine. Or A female who identifies herself as a woman, being hetreosexual and faminine.

But it isn’t always like this. In life all variations for combining the 4 factors above exists. There are also a lot of variations under each category as of Gender for example. It isn’t just a distinct male, female, both. One can find a range of how much a male is male or female is female according to their sexual organs.

For instance we can find a male failing to acknowledge his identity where he thinks himself to be a woman which makes him a transexual while he is still attracted to women. As of wanting to change his sex to be a lesbian woman.

Some would have the 3 norms while fail to meet one. Like being a male, masculine, man identity, but homosexual, or male, feminine, man identity and hetreosexual.

All of the combinations exist in life. We just happen to accept the only 2 extremes while rejecting all of the other people.

There seem to be some contradiction between people’s behaviour and their way of thinking which makes the common sense assumption of someone having such ideas won’t behave in a certain way a big fallacy.

For instance, I percieve myself to be an open minded person, where I do understand other people’s behaviour, and condone a lot of actions that I would never do myself. My mind is liberal, my body is conservative. My mind is insane, my body is rational. My mind want to fly, move, change, but my body wants to stay calm, relaxed, lazy.

Some other people seem to have it the other way around, like a beautiful girl in the university going wild with her group which makes her more desirable and popular while still her mind is full of conservative ideas she has been fed with since her childhood. She claims that she doesn’t do so and so because that is what she believes in, but her body behave in a different way.

A clear demonstration would be a picture of a veiled woman flattering with a guy while she knows it is against her principles next to a picture of an unveiled woman with a mini skirt acting cold towards a guy who is trying to flurt with her not because she thinks it is wrong, but because she is shy. Her body acts different that her mind.

A friend of mine claims that he is superficial. He loves brand names, luxury, spotlights, fame,…etc. In his life, he lives very normal. He is moderate in his expenses like any other guy, and he doesn’t brag about having certain things from certain brands. He even doesn’t like having superficial people as his friends! His mind is superficial, but his body so down to earth!

One thing I love about this communication era, is our ability to reach people who are not really close to us and whom we like to wish them happiness.

A cell phone text message can do the job for many people where I don’t find it appropriate to call.

A blog wishes can reach all those who I happened to have somekind of discussion, read their words, or voiced mine.

Wish you all a happy holiday with your family and friends

I have quoted Mark Twain in a previous post about the power of familiarity. Familiarity breeds content, while un-familiarity breeds unease.

In another post, I have introduced our built-in ‘washing machine‘, which is our natural ability as human beings to adapt to changes in life.

At first glance, one would feel a contradiction between the two concepts. How can one feel unease with unfamiliar things while at the same time still has this amazing ability to adapt?

The answer would be in the way our washing machine works.

It works subconsiously to remove the dirt of uncomfortable feelings of new things and align it properly with our standards. It actually makes things familiar without us realizing it.

Like in any other daily work, when we are faced with much load at work, our stress level gets high, maybe because we know that we have a lot to do. Then when we start actaully working on the stuff, our stress level eases down, knowing that we can finish the task on time.

Our washing machine works in the same way. For instance, when there is a huge change (load of work), we get freaked out, as of thinking that we can’t handle such change in life. Like for example having an accident, or some kind of perminent disease. The realization of the new situation leaves us in untolerable situation, but as our washing machine starts working, we get used to things, and one would feel comfortable in whatever condition he ends up with.

Maybe that is why people with disabilities refuse to see other people’s sympathy. While they have to do things in a different way, they may not feel as bad as how other people percieve them to feel because they are familiar with their own condition, and sure has somekind of content with it.

The other day I watched Neshan (akeed akeed mystro)’s interview with May Shediaq on NTV. She has lost a hand and a leg in the blast which targetted her last year. After being subjected to many surgical operations, and endure much pain, you can amazingly see her appearing on TV, looking better than ever, with more strength than before, and a brilliant smile. She seems to get familiar with her current condition. She seems to have a first class ‘washing machine’.

Our washing machine is working continuously. One has not to fear changes in life if he trusts his own washing machine. It is capable of washing the dirtiest of things and move it to a suitable place, increasing his possessions of experiences, and making him stronger.

Sometimes sickness is meant to show us how much we are appreciated and loved. A need that grow stronger when we feel weak. It isn’t in any way less pleasurble than sex when fullfiled.

Sometimes having to stay in bed for sometimes give us the break we need of life.

To be alone… stopping time… staring at ceiling… the wall of the room… the ray light coming from the widnow…

Having peace with myself… feeling the love of people around me… checking on me… giving a concern look about my health… love…

In tunis, the government is fighting women who choose to wear a veil. In France, they prohibited girls from wearing a veil at schools. In Iran and Saudi Arabia, women get beaten for not covering their heads.

Men are fighting around the world to either covering or uncovering their women! Those who believe in *covering* their women bodies think that it is for the best in order to protect their women from potential sexual harrassment while those who believes in *uncovering* women bodies think that it is for the best as well, cause women don’t have go through all the hectic of covering their bodies because some other men can’t hold their animal desires and act civilizely.

The poor women are torn in between. It depends where they live, and what kind of men they live with! Each one think that he knows the best!

Why don’t we let our women choose for themselves?! Tunis, France, Iran, Saudia Arabia, and all other countries. Give your women the right to choose! They know better when to cover and when to uncover their bodies!

Men back-off!

I have posted this before, but that was before my blog get submitted on Jordan Planet where more people can read it now. That is why I am posting it again.

Driving Home

After a long day at work, I was waiting for the clock to point at 6pm where I rushed into shutting down my computer and leaving whatever remained of my work to the next day while also trying to avoid having any stressful thoughts about it. I walked to the sign up sheet in order to log in my leaving time.

I used to drive home with me a friend at work that lives nearby. She had an urgent task that evening and asked me to wait an extra 30 min for her. I do care for this friend, but I don’t know whether it is selfishness of me to leave her and go home, or it is a selfishness of her to ask me to wait another half an hour just to drive her with me so that she won’t have some difficulties finding a taxi!

I didn’t feel good, but I decided to leave, my own self caring spirit won. I was tired, and being a lazy man; I wanted to rush into bed and had some good rest.

It was a raining cold day. I always hated winter and its cold weather. I put on my heavy jacket and made sure to secure my scarf around my neck covering the lower half of my head with it while covering the other upper half with a hat. I rushed fast into my car, and switched it on waiting for the heater to work on while scratching my icing hands together in order to get some warmth.

Now that I felt the heat covering the place around me, I started driving while enjoying the music coming out of the radio and the raining drops falling at the front glass of my car. Reaching the first traffic-light, I stopped my car waiting for the green light. I was thinking of the wonderful scene of those water rain drops falling in front of the lamp-posts along the pavement. Then suddenly, I noticed this little beautiful girl walking towards the car in front of mine and knocking on the window begging for money. She looks around 10 years of age, with a long black wet hair reaching the mid of her back while some stripes, because of the wind, hitting her beautiful angelic face. She was shivering of cold, and yet standing their asking for money while I am, the grown up 28 years old, sitting warmly in my car and enjoying my music! Unfair life I thought, but then I didn’t even bother to get a cent and help this poor girl, at the contrary, watching her moving towards my car, I put a sharp look into my face and raised my hand to tell her to go away! I even moved my car a bit forward in order to move her off the window near my face!

When the traffic-light hit green, I rushed my car to move away of that scene. Trying to comfort myself not to feel bad of my cold heart, I put the blame on the little girl’s father. I wouldn’t really help her if I gave her some money, would I? She is probably got used to it, and even with some money, she would still be here next day in the cold. I just wished I have more strength to change her entire life. I shrugged my shoulders and said God; you know how to take care of her, don’t you?

While sinking in my thoughts, comforting myself of not helping the little girl, a little kitten rushed into the street and in between the wheels of my car. I had no choice but to hit her. Looking at the mirror, I saw a small helpless animal struggle for the last breath of its life. What have I done! I felt bad, but then I didn’t bother to even look again, I continued my drive thinking of how stupid that animal was! Was it my fault? I don’t think so, but the image of the kitten in her blood kept on haunting me.

I raised the volume of the music more, trying to forget of all what happened. Then I reached a queue of cars. There seem to be some heavy traffic, I wonder why. I tried to help myself to remain calm, but my hand didn’t help me resist my urge to press the beeper. I became a bit angry now of waiting, I didn’t know what the problem was; I was trying to figure out by looking around me. It seems that someone’s car broke down. I saw the man trying to push his car to the right side in order to give us the space to move on. I didn’t bother to go ahead and help him; it was too cold for me. I just stood there waiting, it wasn’t my business after all, but I stopped beeping now out of courtesy!

With a bit of anger, frustration and tire, I continued my journey towards home. I wasn’t happy for the choices I just made, but I didn’t behave all badly either. When I noticed an old man crossing the road slowly, I stopped my car and waiting for him to walk it without even beeping!

But then, and while I was ready to park my car near the house, my cell phone rang. It was my mother; she asked me to bring her something of the supermarket! No mom, I am so tired, I whined! I need to take some rest. I rushed into the house, took off my clothes and wore my pajamas. My mother came and greeted me. She asked me if I want to eat anything. She said that she cooked my favorite dish for today. She then heated it up and brought it to me to eat while I was sitting on the sofa trying to relax!

Was I a selfish lazy spoiled bastard in my way back home? Maybe! I had to take care of myself as well. I put my head on the pillow and enjoyed my nap praying for God to help those people…

Nights Clubs
How many night clubs we have in Amman? I am not talking about high class night clubs where people go to dance and have fun alike Nai, Myth, Fizz and Prana, but I am talking about hundreds of sleazy places scattered around the city of Amman with the name of a night club, or in Arabic (Malha layli). In Abdoun, Swefieh, Shemisani, Mecca street, …etc.

They are considered to be men places where slutty looking females waitresses with much revealing clothes and a bitchy attitude coming mostly from foreign countries (mainly from Eastern Europe countries) serve horney men who are ready to spend a big amount of money for some fun.

While most of those places are meant to cater young men coming from the gulf states for tourism, you can see a lot of Jordanian men hanging in such places and bragging about that between each other.

It is a men issue. One thing that men shy to talk about it infront women or even family members. But it is highly accepted between men themselves. Even if a man revealed that he has been to such a place, it won’t be a big deal. Only a small tarnish of his reputation that would fade with no time in a society that uses double standards in judging the behaviour of our men versus our women.

People who haven’t been to such places which I know would most be only women, can have a better idea by reading Paulo Coelho’s book “Eleven Minutes”. It is an account of a Brazillian lady travelling to Swizerland looking for an adventure and money only to find herself working as a prostitue. The book gives a very close describtion of such business that is in no way far of what happens in Amman. In fact reading the book, I felt that he is describing one of those places here that I have went to once or twice.

Is it a choice?
While Paulo, in his book, highlight the woman choice of becoming a prostitue, I find myself disagreeing with his view this time as I can’t really understand how anyone would choose to sell his body like thins unless she has gone through some special circumstances that left her no real choice but to sell her last asset.

In our society, sex is a taboo, and so a prostitue is looked at to be a sub-human. Most would prefer to stay away of them, others would feel legimate to treat them badly. There is no sense of sympathy towards those women as we percieve them to be morally corrupted creatures that has no right to be treated decently. We judge harshly refusing to look closer for other reasons such women sell their bodies for.

When poverty is presented as a reason, most of us claim their high righteousness. Women with good conidtions would claim that they prefer to die starving rather than selling their bodies dismissing any small compassion with prostitues because they don’t really know what it means to be in real poverty.

They present a counter argument. Look at maids. They prefer to work hard rather than selling their honor. I wonder how true is this? and how honor is left their to the maids in our houses? They are subjected to even more humilation than prostitues, and at many times to sexual harrassment and even continous raping from their Masters. Have anyone wondered why maids are usually bad looking women? I guess they would choose prostitution if they have the choice.

Shall we legalize it?
With hundreds, or thousands of prostitues in our city. An accepting social behavior in between our youth. One has to fear the consequences of this hidden unorganized world. How bad it would be to legalize the whole process? As of having some official rules to govern the whole process in order to at least minimize that health risks that our youth are subjected to. At the same time provide some protection to those unfortunate women who are being used and treated as slaves to their employers who are the only one benefitted from keeping the situation as it is.

Or maybe we prefer to keep it this way because those who dare to be a prostitue and those who sleep with one does deserve any kind of punishment they would get out of such act? I wonder if people would feel the same way knowing that their son or daughter can easily get in such situation one day.