Suha, my friend, has been on a date the other day
one of the first things the guy she was dating made clear is:
He DOEESNT MIND her to keep her job if they get married!
He doesn’t mind?!!!
What the heck?
As if it is his decision!
What a consdensing little brat!
and I bet he feels good about himself for being *open minded* enough
to let his wife keep her job!
and maybe other people praise him for that as well
for it is by default to a lot of people that such descision belong to the *man*
BULLSHIT!
Then you have me here…
looking at an excellent job offer I recently recieved
They offer me a job title I have never dreamt of
They offer me a ridiculous high salary I never expected
My initial natural reaction was jumping of happiness
but soon all faded out to fears and concerns
right after the moment I presented it to my parents and friends
and watched the not-so-happy reaction on their faces
“Haya, better job title, and bette salary, and then what?!!”
THEN WHAT??!
“Then what” carries the unworthy nature of my career achievements!
It over-shadows -unfairly- all the tiresome, my hard work and ambition over the years
It is a reminder that I am a woman living in a male dominated society
where my only worth is attached to how much I can please my husband!
“Habibti, men doesn’t like to engage in a relationship with a woman they feel is superior to them in anyway” a friend of mine said it!
That’s the bottom-line, isn’t it?
The inferiority complex of the Jordanian male!
So that means enno every promotion of my results in a smaller pool of a potential future husband!
As if the pool has been big enough in the first place!
and I honestly don’t want to stay single
I am, like any other girl, would like to meet the right guy
and start my own family
but it is becoming an impossible task with all of the social constraints
The issue of career itself alone is a delimma!
In one hand, you have those mom’s, and guys looking for a working women to help him in the expenses of the family
While in the other hand, you have the same mom’s and guys who don’t want him to be married to a woman whose job title or salary is better than his!
because people would call him “Goz el Set”! (The husband of the Madamme!)
and I bet that a lot of guys just wouldn’t care if their women carried a better job if it is just for them
but we all have this stupid worrisome of what others would say about us, no?
and it is a big offense to the man’s masculinity and social status if his woman *makes more* than him!
Wasn’t it the ability to make more money the excuse men had for ages to keep their women in the kitchen?
but now, life has changed
and ironically, women are making more and more everyday
destroying all kinds of social forms that were built around the notion that the man is the family financial supporter
but then, change is hard
and people would fight for their traditions and *cultures*
leaving me with a tough decision to make
“Shall I accept the job offer or not?”
Advise me guys…
with love,
Haya
Fadi Zaghmout فادي زغموت 
I don’t know what to say… It is fate with Arab men I suppose?
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The thing is, I think that it is wise to marry a person of the same status, job title, and most importantly, same salary. And I say this regardless of who is the one with a higher salary.While those differences might not be a problem in short-term relationships, they would in the long-term relationships. Sure, I am not saying that such troubles are always fatal to the relationship… But care should be taken. Marriage is a partnership, and if the balance is not maintained the partnership will suffer. After all, your husband\wife is not your father so as to give you free pocket money.Then again, for every rich person, there is a person even richer… Well, okay, except for the richest man on earth of course. So if Haya is worried that with her high salary there will be no more men with salaries higher than hers… Well, thats not true!
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Off course take the job, you don’t want to be married to a sexist inconfident man anyway. Okay, now I shrunk your pool of potential husbands even more!For a little optimism, making more than your husband is seen as quite normal here. I realize my friends are western, but even the culture over here used to be like you described in your post. If you only go back in time 10 years, it would be like your post. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is hope for a change 🙂Devil’s mind, I see your point, but by the “same” I would say +/- a lot. A simple raise or promotion won’t do it. But, I can see that a multi-millionaire marrying a person with a 100JD monthly salary can create problems.
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I must agree with Different Perspective. Plus, by shrinking the pool you are reducing the work that you have to do in picking a mate :).Think about it, you are looking for a needle in a pile of hay. Make the pile smaller, and you will find your needle that much faster :P.Ok, joking aside. You want a partner in life that makes you a better “you”, not a partner that holds you back. You will grow to resent him if you end up with a guy holding you back.Just my honest opinion 🙂
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good point, zait o za3tar…In my opinion, you’re a strong woman, and marriage/relationships are for the weak. Men are f*cked up, you don’t need them. (this is coming from a man – lol)Some of the comments are talking about how “western” cultures, income difference doesn’t matter. I thought I should mention that that’s not very true. Event to this day here in Canada, women make 70 cents for each $1 a man makes. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the inferiority complex is not necessarily an Arab man thing, it’s a human man thing in general.
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Well sure, there is plus\minus… And how much this plus\minus varies depending on the people involved.But I don’t think it’s wise to push the limit too hard. I, for one, if I feel that my friend\spouse\partner is leeching off me, I would seriously consider leaving them. Likewise, if I feel that I am leeching off another person, I would not want that state to last for long.
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Hmm…It’s a human man thing. I doubt it.I know there is an income difference in Canada and in the rest of the western world. But, the difference is because the western world is still sexist even though they’re a long way ahead of us.Around me personally and in my circle of friends it is very normal. But, yeah in general even here, a lot of mindsets are still sexist.On a side note, the pay gap is largely due to female-dominant occupations getting paid less than male-dominant occupations, even when they require similar amount of education/experience. For example a kindergarten teacher is paid less than a mailboy (regardless of sex). It is like the jobs that are “feminine” are undervalued regardless of who is doing the job.So one way to tackle this is to get rid of the stereotypes women are better at this and men are better at that. Check out this < HREF="http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080602-why-judy-cant-add-gender-inequality-and-the-math-gap.html" REL="nofollow">link.<>
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I vote “of course take it”.marriage is naseeb anyways. changing your job’s title wouldn’t change it. And then, you’ll always end up marrying one man – not a statistical pool of candidates.
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moey, I guess it is more of a transition period where Arab men would be forced to change. DM, I understand what you are saying, but yet this is a one way obstacle in our society where it is applicable even if the income of the woman is just slightly higher than her man. And then you have it totally accepted when a man is much richer than the woman he is marrying! Marriage is a partnership, but how much of that is in the definition of marriage in our local society? It is -unfortunatly- more of a followship where a man buy a woman to serve him for the rest of his life! a different perspective, yes, Haya would sure take it, but then the reactions of people around her and the social pressure is what is really upsetting. The question is: What should women like Haya do when they are faced with a society where the majority of men are either sexist, or inconfident, or not not strong enough to stand against the values of the sexist society at large? Remaining single is a worse option, and social suicide, no? Many would chose just to abide with the social rule and tolerate this part of their human husbands and concentrate on their future kids, no?zait o za3tar, I wish it is like that, I mean the pile of hay example. It would be if women have the privilage to search and pick. Unfortunatly, shrinking the pool means shrinking the pool of men looking for Haya, and thus her chance of being found!majd, the problem is not just in men, it is in women and society at large as well. How strong a woman should be to stand against the continuous social pressure of her being unworthy without a man in addition to her inner needs of love, sex, and motherhood?muhammad, that is right, but that one man would have been eliminated by the intimidation of the success of Haya, no?
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well i think you should take it…You can never judge what future relationships you might have, or people you might meet, what you can do is decide on whats in your hands at the moment…You have a wonderful job opportunity at hand, and your contemplating taking it for a future husband you probably haven’t even met yet?Don’t over stress the affects of your job on your social life, if the right man is out there, you both will work out, that may even mean that one day, you will give up your job! or even he will relocate to be with you, but thats all in the future…My advise is: the past is gone, the future is yet to come, the present is your gift from the Universe, so grab it by the ass…You may not get a chance like this!Good LUCK :)!
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It’s kind of sad that our society works that way. I do understand women in Haya’s position who would sacrifice something like this for a future husband. And, I get how being single is a social suicide in Jordan. But, I think if I were in her position I would be happier single than with a sexist man, so I wouldn’t sacrifice the job.But again I wish Arab women don’t have to make choices like this.hamatosha, unfortunately in our society it is a lot more likely and more common for her to relocate for her man rather than him to relocate for her. I am not saying that the other way doesn’t happen. But, the man’s job is generally given a priority over his wife’s job.
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