by Fadi Zaghmout

حبيبي خذ شرفي


اجلس هنا عاجزة عن الحركة. احاول تحريك اصابع يدي, فأعجز. احاول ام امد ذراعي, فأفشل. يعاندني جسدي كأنه يطبق ما اراده اخي. احاول بكل قوتي و لكن بلا فائدة. اريد ان اتحدى عجزي, اريد ان انتصر, اريد ان اتحرك و لو مرة واحدة, حركة صغيرة تمنيتها منذ تلك الليلة, حركة كررتها في مخييلتي مرارا و تكرارا, امد فيها يدي بين فخذي, احسس على غشاء الشرف و امزقه بين اصابعي. اضغط بكل قوتي, اشعر بالالم و الفرح. تتلطخ اصابعي بالدماء و امدها في وجه اخي. اصرخ, هذا هو شرفك يا ابن الكلب, و اسقط اصابعي على وجهه لتمزيقه كما مزق هو حبي و احلامي و حياتي
كنا نعيش اجمل ايام حياتنا, جمعتنا كلية التجارة و حبنا للقراءة. تقربت انا منه و ليس هو. لم اكن اصدق تأثيره علي. كان كالمغناطيس, يجذبني اينما ذهب, اتابعه بنظراتي و هو يتنقل بين المحاضرات. كنت في ذلك الوقت اتجنب الاختلاط بشباب الجامعة, كانت اغلب علاقاتي رسمية, لاتتعدى تحية الصباح او سؤال او استفسار عن مادة. ذهلت عندما وجدت نفسي اتوجه نحوه وابدأ بالحديث. ذهلت اكثر عندما امتد الحديث دون انقطاع, و كأنما كنت بكماء و انفرج لساني, وكانما كنت اسمع ضجيجا مليء بمختلف الاصوات فلم اعد اسمع سوى صوته. فجأء, تذوقت طعم الجنة, فلم اعد اطيق العيش على الارض
تكسرت جميع قيودي, فسعادتي كانت لاتوصف. كنت كالثملة خلف زجاجة الخمر. كأنني مسحورة, يجذبني كمغناطيس بلا وعي او ادراك. اصبح حبيبي, اصبح حياتي, اصبح كياني. كنت اجلس بجانبه على درج الكلية, يلاصق كتفي بكتفه, اتمنى ان يأخذني بذراعيه و ارتمي بحضنه. اتمنى ان اقبله بين الجموع و اصرخ: هذا هو حبيبي. كنت اخاف وحدتنا و اتمناها. كنت لا اثق بقدرتي على محاربة رغباتي, فنظرة منه كانت كافية لاركع عند قدميه, وابتسامة مني كانت كفيلة باركاعه هو
كننا نحتفل بمرور عام على لقائنا الاول. خططنا اللقاء في الشقة الغير مسكونة التي يمتلكها والده. مضت دقائق قليلة قبل ان تقودنا لهفتنا الي السرير. كنت اشتاق لمسة يده على جسدي العاري. كنت متعطشة الى طعم شفتيه. كنت انتظر ملء نفسي برائحة جسده بفارغ الصبر. تركت جسدي يتهاوى بين ذراعيه و اغمضت عيني لاعيش حلمي الجميل
يا قحبة! فتحت عيني مذهولة. اخي يقف عند الباب, وجهه محتفن كان حفنة من الجنون مسته. يمسك المسدس بين اصابعه و يوجهه الى وجهي! يا فاجرة يا مجنونة مسحت شرفنا بالارض. يضغط زناد مسدسه, يدفعني حبيبي الى الخلف, يدفع جسده امامي لحمايتي. يحوطني بذراعيه لصد الرصاص عن جسدي. يلتصق جسدي بجسده اكثر, اطلق صرخة رعب ثم صرخة الم. كيف تحول حلمي الى كابوس؟ اتساءل قبل ان اغمض عيني و اغيب في غيبوبتي
غيبوبتي افتقدها! لو انها تعود و تنقذني من هذا العذاب. فعلى الاقل لم اكن غائبة وحدي, كان هو غائبا ايضا. اصحو فلا اجده. لم يحتمل جسده كم الرصاص, خانه جسده فخانني هو و ذهب. مات و تركني ميتة في هذه الحياة. اعيش بجسد ميت و عقل واعي. عقل يكاد يجن لانه لم يعد يحتمل وجوده مع غشاء الشرف في جسد واحد! ارجوكم انقذوني… ارجوكم
مع حبي,
هيا

27 Comments

  1. انتي مش انخطبتي و تنيّلتي على عينك؟ لشو رايحة تشّلفي مع واحد لحالكم بشقة فاضية؟بعدين اخوكي كيف عرف انّك رايحة هناك؟و الهبيلة اللي معك ما عرف يسكّر الباب وراه؟ و اللا بس شاطر يشدّك و تشدّيه؟ بعدين بأحلامك انّو كان يحاول يحميكي كان عالأكيد بدّو يشلّف بس اجت في الرصاصة يا حرام مات قبل ما يخلعك طب اسمعي تعالي انا بتوصّى فيكي و بدبّر اخوكي.اذا مدايقك كتير غشاء البكارة، انا اولا فيهيعني بتقدري تختصري 90% من كتاباتك بإنك وحدة بكل بساطة ……………….. ممحونة!

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  2. بصراحة! من اجمل العادات التي تقدّسها فتيات بلادنا و غالبية الشباب هو احتفاظهم بكرامتهم و شرفهم. شيء جميل و مفقود في هذا الزمان للأسف.غشاء البكارة ليس شرف للأخ او الأب لوحدهم، انّما هو شيء ثمين و نادر و من اغلى ما تملكه كل فتاة في هذه الدنيا!كثيرا ما سمعت من فتيات انّهم يتمنّين لو انّهن انتظرن للشخص المناسب ليكون له شرف فض بكارتهن. بدلا من الشاب التافه اللذي حظي بشرف لا يستحقّه. مع انّه و في “لحظة تهوّر” كان يبدو انّه افضل رجال الأرض.الشرف نعمة! و لا يقدّرها الا من يستحقّها. و لن تجدي شخص يستحقّها يسنهين بإهدارها.

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  3. انا حاس فيكي يا هيا.وانا حاس لانو انا مريت بنفس هاي المرحله مع صاحبتي ,بس للاسف هيا اللي ماتت مش انا.عشان هيك اذا بصلك بنيك عرضك

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  4. انا حاس فيكي يا هيا.وانا حاس لانو انا مريت بنفس هاي المرحله مع صاحبتي ,بس للاسف هيا اللي ماتت مش انا.عشان هيك اذا بصلك بنيك عرضك

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  5. انا حاس فيكي يا هيا.وانا حاس لانو انا مريت بنفس هاي المرحله مع صاحبتي ,بس للاسف هيا اللي ماتت مش انا.عشان هيك اذا بصلك بنيك عرضك

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  6. So Haya lives after all… Uh, well, the hero never dies in the movie (or the story in our case)!Ok, serious now, The story is a bit over dramatic, but it does convey its point. The concept of virginity does create unnecessary drama. and make people’s lives unnecessarily overcomplicated. And the first paragraph does remind me so much of an < HREF="http://zeidspex.blogspot.com/2006/04/opinion-if-i-were-girl.html" REL="nofollow">old post<> I have once made.

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  8. Haya, you will survive.It is fine. it could have been worse no?at least, you had what you want and you were not forced to do it with someone else.

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  9. قويدر, البنت انجرفت وراء مشاعره, حبها كان قوي جدا لدرجة التغاضي عن بعض قيمه. هيا كانت في السرير مع صديقها و لكنها كانت ما تزال عذراء. عذراء في التعريف العام عندنا الذي هو وجود غشاء البكارة. انها تريد فضه الان لانه السبب في موت سعادتهاDM, she lives, but parallized 😦Moey, but what she wanted has been taken away of her. She lost her lover and her body movement. All what she has now is her memories.

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  10. The ladies in this country do not value “honor”, 75% of my classmates had either anal or/and oral sex because they are afraid to break their hymen in case they get married to a “traditional” or “religious” man.Are we all horny whores? well maybe, but i can tell you for sure that this society is double faced. and the men are wearing the crown of hypocrisy. In a statistic ( I don’t have the source, so you have to trust my word and your logic in it) the majority of men don’t mind marrying a woman who is not a virgin under the following condition:1- She is a foreigner (hey, it’s part of their “culture”)2- Is a widow or a divorce So it is not a matter of the actual existence of the hymen, it’s the mere idea that an arabic girl can be an audacious being who refutes the standards of this society and follows her own rules and values.And of course, this being is not a good enough wife or mother, the whore!

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  11. What’s the percentage we are talking about regarding “Men wearing a crown of Hypicrosy”…trust me it’s alot..Hypicrosy is always there..and us living in such a crappy society will have to accept it..though it’s very irritating

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  12. This reminded me of why I read your blog. The only post – and excuse my bluntness here – that’s worth reading in a while.

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  13. I hope people who say that “women do not value honor” speak for themselves! And such exaggerations as saying that “75% had anal or whatever” is bullshit based on a very narraw <>personal<> view of someone who wants to legitimze something by saying “hey look, everyone does it”, but it still can’t be generalized. In fact, I haven’t met a single woman, who is “bint nas” who didn’t value <>her honor<> and protect it with her life because it meant everything to her. It means life itself. Not because of her family or anything else, but because it’s their own piece of self dignity. They’re proud of their honor. It’s not a burden!Anyway, what happened to Haya’s fiance!?

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  14. Arabs have allways been outragous people ever since the days before the perofet mohammed , they would kill, envey, get drunk ,burn people, kill people unjustified bla bla bla.. all this happend untill god had enough and sent us the peofet mohammed , that showed us all the right wyas of life and dealing with our stugels , i mean even in gods eyes situations like this are justified as 100 wipps for unmaried (if ud survive them) and death for married. ussually untill just only just 100 years ago people would not kill but they would hit the BOY yes boy and take him back to his family rthen hit the girl in her own house even if they where rocking the house and breaking the squeking bed whilst having sex, and people knew that after a while of them being separetad they would come to there sences and let them feel the guelt, then they would arrange a marrige and make sure that there presious children and grand children dont become little hores and keep these values..

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  15. anon, you are right, we are the masters of hypocrisy in Jordan! We do EVERYTHING in secrecy! Lets not call women enjoying their sexuality outside marriage boundaries whores. We don’t do that to me, do we?a1, I don’t think we have to accept it. We should poin it out and dish them from their own medicine. Don’t back down for someone playing the high morals, no one is better than the otherfawzi, fawzi ya fawzi :P, I am glad you liked this post, but can’t you give a positive comment without having it attached to negativity? :P. Well, I had a clear mind when I wrote this yesterday 🙂Qwaider, this is a different haya! lol. Actually Haya represents different women in different posts.I would say that there are a lot of “banat nas” who enjoy their sexuality outside marriage boundaries. We shouldn’t attach that to honor. Honor for me is more attached to honesty and transparency than a piece of meat.You can’t just attach honor to women sexuality and then claim that it isnt a burden. IT IS, and no, most of the women are not happy to carry it on their shoulders.anon, akhkhhhhh, that is a very narrow way to look at our history. You just fall into generalizing people based on their race and regardless of time and space. I would say that ignorance and intolerance has been there in every place and civilization. It was once fought wisely in Arabia but unfortunatly these days, we are losing the battle! BIG TIME!

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  16. It was used to ridicule the whole term. I apologize if someone found it offensive in any way.Ana bint nas kaman…

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  18. oic ! so ur stories are fictional ? or based on true stories ?n i thought that other post was real,anyway,i see ur point ,i don’t agree that women’s honor is between their thighs !its so much more,n i don’t agree with Qwaider that its the most important thing she holds,its her brain wuts most important .however,girls should be real careful and know who they dealing with !i mean it takes a level of maturity to really decide that u wanna get involved with someone and not regret it later.

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  19. talking back to Haya i say :Dear,just close your eyes and remember how it felt when you first talked ?!the butterflies when your shoulders were pressed to one another ?!The sacred tremble when he first touched you ?!the memories you had,the feelings and the moments you lived are more than enough to keep you surviving the cruel society…they label you with your vagina ?! let them have it dear…whenever ur sad,lonely or longing..just close your eyes and bring back the heartbeat 🙂PS : the first two commenters! can you be anymore vulgar than this ?! :S:SThumbs up observer

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  20. “I would say that there are a lot of “banat nas” who enjoy their sexuality outside marriage boundaries. We shouldn’t attach that to honor. Honor for me is more attached to honesty and transparency than a piece of meat.”I love it that you said that. I really enjoy reading your blog.

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  21. DM, yes I should update my blogroll, there are many broken linksnaser, they are fictional and based on real stories/ life scenarios 🙂the enchanted fairy, good advice for haya :), thanksa different perspective, thank you, i am glad you do 🙂

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  22. Our people are a bunch of hypocrites. I am ashamed to call myself an Arab man because Arab men are obsessed with the hymen; and I refuse to be included in that group.A thin film of skin does not determine who I am, and what my family is. And who claims otherwise is a pathetic scumbag who has no life. Honour crimes are disgusting and pathetic. It’s really funny how people put so much effort to keep their daughters virgins, but don’t give a fuck about their sons and if he is a macho who sleeps around with women. Hypocrisy at its best!

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  23. I do not like this script. I think it totally misses the point. The writer places tremendous importance of tearing the hymen as a symbol of the cause of all misfortunes sufferred by the girl.In my opinion, this does not reflect the (dynamics) of an honour killing. Girls are not killed not because of presence or absence of hymen (which by the way can easily be restorted surgically in many clinics in Amman, but because what family percieve to be a (bad reputation) attached to them due to her acts. A reputation that can only be cleaned by killing the girl. As such, in real life it is much more likely for the girl to be killed and her male lover to stay alive, opposite to what happens in the script.It is also very unlikely for male lover’s family to accept the girl, and is also very unlikely for girl’s family to abandon killing her even if she gets married again.In short, the script does not reflect reality of the cause it tries to challenge. It is a weak work that needs much improvement

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